> Diary Hello Kitty 42

Therapy didn't cure me Jesus did (and I'm an atheist)
I went to church for the first time today (atleast the first time I could form my own thought about the idea) and I genuinely think it was one of the more strange experiences I've had this year. For context my parents were for the most part atheist due to religious extremism back home, and I followed suit. However there was a time in which this Russian family would agree to take care of me on the weekends and I'd go to church with them, and I genuinely believed in God. He was there to help me through extremely tough times since thats who I'd pray and talk to whenever I was lonely (only child thing). But knowing my family was atheist, the Russians ganged up on me as a family telling me I was a sinner and that I didn't believe in God. This crushed some of the last support systems I had to get me through my childhood, and I thus began to resent the idea of God and Jesus because why would they let me suffer and be judged if they were real?
Even if I don't necessarily believe in God as we speak, I understand that whatever suffering he hypothetically put me through was needed. I'm blessed to say I've grown so much from my pain and that it's taught me lessons people my age may never learn.
Inherently I think the Bible is a set of didactic stories that can teach you very valuable lessons with some old world virtues set into it (afterall you can't have the word of God without some other guy secretly writing his own thoughts in). But I just cant get myself to believe that God or Jesus are actual people I need to devote my life to.
My neighbor invited me to Church today and because I've always felt a connection to a higher power I decided to go. The people were extremely kind and friendly, and the Church was horrifyingly upscale with a concert stadium and everything. I even shed a tear as the group sang. The message of Samson being talented and strong but without values or character really resonated with me and my philosophy, and overall I really wanted to see if Jesus was right for me. But everyone was so adamant about me converting. How the heck can I give my life to Jesus if I barely know the guy? It feels wrong to devote myself to somebody I may not agree with on a fundamental scale
I think outside of actually following religion, learning the lessons inside of it is what really really really matters. Because afterall I believe that organized religion is mans way of trying to logicize the inherent connection and spirituality that is found innate within humans, and the specifics of what denomination what you say etc etc is really unessecary.
It doesn't help that I'm genuinely recovering from diagnosed Social Anxiety, because my neighbor introduced me to everyooonee tonight and I got really drained
The pastor gave me a bible for free to read, and I truly do intend on going through it but maybe with the AI voice of Joshua Graham from Fallout New Vegas
I'm lowkey a little freaked out if whether or not my parents will judge me for wanting to be religous, it's like I have the opposite problem of alot of people
I understand why alot of people who grow up Christian feel bitter later and it's because they're told that if they completely devote themselves to this one guy, he'll always have their back, which ofcourse admittedly is one of the most comforting thoughts, but at the end of the day no one is really told that it's the Bibles lessons that are the backbone of Christianity.
I'm not sure what I'm really talking about, I just want to feel connected to God without comitting my life to something I'm unsure of.
I don't need anything in return from Jesus or God, I just want to be a good person who is patient and loving, someone that doesn't judge, and the idea of Jesus is perfect for teaching that.
Alot of therapy is just learning how to categorize your emotions and responses, sometimes on the dangerous level even excusing your shitty behavior and allowing you to feel sorry for yourself, especially since its the case that therapists make more money on you not feeling better. But taking ownership of my own life, my shitty actions, my shitty cycles, and trying to give back to people and not feeling sorry for myself ultimately saved me from a bad path, which is what my impression of Christianity seems to be
I hated therapy so much I left as soon as I could cause it was actually making me worse, and I stopped taking any medication a couple of months ago because quite frankly I need to face my problems head on if I actually want them to subside
I just want to help as many people as I can but the Christians I've met seem to think that means trying to convert poor people lmao

My neighbor actually had a huge talk with me in his car about sex and how he regrets having it outside of marriage because sex in his view is the process of two souls becoming one (and thats not something you should do with anyone). He said Jesus saved his life since he was suicidally depressed, and I believe that Jesus can do that for people, but I'm not sure if I'm so broken that I'm in need of that intense belief to save me

- xoxo Machine Girl xoxo

p.s I'm so so so sorry for the subpar writing, but this is where I vomit my thoughts before they dissapear into the void