It's only been in the past days that I've truly come to realize how permanent death is and how long life will be until it isin't. I'm still only 17, but to think that one day the memories I have now will come in milisecond visions scares me. Will I remember that I even made this website? I'm not entirely sure I wan't to even live that long, especially seeing the direction our world is going to. I take pride in be able to tell potential grandchildren that I remember what the world was like without suffocating media consumption, but simulatenously I wonder if they'll be able to appreciate that sentiment because what if I'm one of the few who actually cares. What if the progress around me is great but it's only me who needs to hold on. Isin't that how all elders eventually begin to think? It was around 2010 that I gained actual conciousness enough so that I would remember certain moments from the internet from when it was still exciting. Ofcourse you could say that with the rosey haze of a child ofcourse the internet felt better, but I can't be the only one who says it's lost all it's charm. I didn't think I'd miss the 2010s so much but as I grow older but as I do I begin to understand how scary growing older can be. I'm almost off to college soon, and I feel nervous thinking about how because of that I'll take more note of how the world around me will continue to change and change and change until I inevitably die.I hope remnants of my childhood live on atleast in a somewhat simillar fashion to how I cherished them.

I'm feeling real down because I've forgotten all my friends and their names from my old school that I went to for 2 years. I think I forgot them all on purpose because of how traumatic that place was and how horrible I felt there, but even so I would do anything to become a 5th grader again. Finding out about Batman in that desert town, all alone, just the coyotes and I. Super fun. No matter how painful some parts of my childhood were, I've forgiven everyone and quite frankly forgot all the bad things that happened. I've moved on, and now I want to go back. I contacted my old elementary on Facebook hoping they could send me a photo of the yearbook, but I know it'll take a while for them to get back to me. If you ever told me I'd be so desperate to hold onto memories of that place, I'd say you're batshit crazy, but it's true we move on and eventually see the value

On a funnier note, I donated blood to the American Red Cross so that I could get this badass Snoopy shirt (that's the only reason why) but something in my immune system bailed on me afterwards, and now for the past 2 weeks I've been stuck at home sick out of my mind. I feel terrible for folks who deal with this everyday because most things don't feel enjoyable when you're gagging and spitting up infected mucus. YUCK.... I've actually never been this sick my entire life and even my mom agreed. Maybe it's like that whole earthquake theory that says there might be a couple of small earthquakes here and there but if not a huge one is probably on its way. I wouldn't mind as much if I wasn't stuck with a butt load of work because of it. It doesn't help I have 4 AP exams coming this week either. BUT I WILL NOT BE STOPPED RAAAAHHH Wish me luck and hope that I do well cause if I can't keep my grades up it's potentially bye bye Cal Poly. I'm also kinda pissed I missed senior ditch day because I was so sick, everyone got to get high on a beach but me :'( however my prom was REALLY fun like reaaallllyy fun. It was all the way out in LA, we got lost a couple of times, and there was no party afterwards, but my friends and I still managed to make it fun. I'm so blessed to have some of the best friends in the world. I really do pick them good

p.s sleepover at my place saturday night woo! Also thank you Naomi for all the good snacks to keep me healthy

- xoxo Machine Girl xoxo