Why is it that I feel disgusting and dirty whenever in the pursuit of companionship? Even the slightest affection and momentary indulegence leaves me feeling dejected afterwards. It makes me wonder if I'm a fraud and haven't come across as who I actually am, because if people knew the real me they wouldn't feel this way. Perhaps its the faux Catholic in me to be disillusioned by relationships to men. However I believe it's always been a deep rooted belief of mine that although I am one of many great talents, skills, and humourous quips, there is something within me that is always going to be lacking. Whenever men tell me that they think I'm beautiful, funny, or that they love me, I'm very quick to say that I love them back out of a desperate need to feel connected. Not just connected to say an attractive man, but anyone in general. And this isin't to say that I don't believe it when I say I love them too, however for Christs sake lets admit that I don't know what love is. It's a word that has been casually thrown around my entire life so its utterance isin't special to me. I suppose this is all because I truly believe that I'll never be completely understood by anyone but myself (I admit this is selfish and unrealistic, but all I long for in life is for someone who knows me completely. Thus leading me to overshare), and so while I blame my lack of a boyfriend on my awkwardness or appearance, maybe it has more to do with how I can't realistically see myself having one. I'm bringing this all up because of a certain person in my life, and although they feel an immense connection with me, suffice to say I don't think I feel that strong of a connection with anyone. Sure I care deeply for my loved ones, but I've never truly felt like someones better half. It's funny how the Universe/God or whatever you want to call it challenges you to see if you're truly devoted to your ambitions, because after 4 years of highschool/getting no bitches I'm finally bestowed with an opportunity that would be foolish to take considering that I'm going to college soon. In relation to that I'm extremely grateful and happy that my hard work is finally paying off and that I'm getting accepted into these amazing colleges, especially considering how growing up despite knowing I destined for something special everyone told me I'd be a bum. Well no ones laughing now. That was a Joker reference ;p And yes that was purposefully meant to be cringey, but on another note it still peeves me on people insisting that I'm some sort of loser for liking things like Batman and The Smiths. I don't keep long 8 year connections to certain things unless it truly speaks to me. Both The Smiths and Batman got me through incredibly hard moments throughout my childhood, because nothing else quite spoke to me like Harley Quinns story or Morrissey's lyrics. On the note of Morrissey's lyrics, while still being a major Smiths fan (I got to see Morrissey upclose live in November last year for free!) it's amazing to me how my interpretation and connection to certain songs has changed so drastically. Reminiscent of Morrissey's lyrics in Half a Person, when I was hopelessly poor on my makeshift bed made of blankets and wooden floor, I just liked certain songs more because it was as though I was listening to Gospel. In a time where I felt so extremely alienated at the ripe age of 10 (already an insomniac) songs like There Is A Light That Never Goes Out was the equivalent to divine word for me. Now that I'm older I'm just really boring to be frank. I listen to bands like Depeche Mode and The Smiths not because of my love for their lyrics but because of their sheer musical power. All the songs I listen to are love, and it's easier to relate to love as a child when you barely know what it is and think your classmate will be your husband in the future.

- xoxo Machine Girl xoxo